A Burden

Jesus is beautiful. I do not deserve entrance into His throne room. He gives life and He is light. He is shedding light upon some things to my heart... 

I have been really convicted over something lately, very burdened actually.  I read the Bible and see these men and women led by God and communing with the living God.  I see how God fills them with His Spirit and has this amazing relationship with them.  I then read George Whitefields Journals and other saints accounts that have lived a few hundred years ago, I see their relationship with the Living God.  They searched, they afflicted themselves, they sought the Lord for months, even years sometimes, STILL NOT KNOWING THE LORD, when finally THE LORD revealed HIMSELF to them and delivered them in a very real way.  Salvation belongs to the LORD.  They then had a very beautiful life with Christ, He is real, He is near, He dwells within them in power. 

 You don't see salvation like this anymore, this seeking God for salvation that is.  Or even questioning and examining your own salvation, working out your own salvation with fear and trembling.  Now we read a devotional book in the morning, are inspired by a book or learn something from the bible and call this "communing with God".  Now we say a prayer and we declare someone saved.  Now a preacher says, say this prayer and by doing that you are being saved, then we assure them they are saved and if they question their salvation we say it is the enemy.  Is this the salvation of the Bible?  Should men or God confirm our salvation to us?  Shouldn't His Word be the One to confirm or condemn us?  Is it possible to receive false peace instead of alone with the Lord receiving a peace that surpasses all understanding?  I am not opposed to a prayer, I think it can happen like this, the Lord could quicken even a word to someone and they could be saved right then and there the Holy Spirit could come into that person and dwell with them.  But I see a lot of intellectual assent and much gaining of knowledge without actually KNOWING the Lord, without a heart change, without the Lord saving, coming to save, without true fruit.  Even times there is a heart change, maybe the person's whole life changed after that from outward appearance, they could have been sensitive to their conscience for the first time in their life.  And from being so their works change, they no longer live in obvious sin, but become religious instead.  Maybe they become a "good person" and become very well liked.  But religion and cognitive assent of the bible cannot save anyone no matter how sincere they are in this.      

Is God not the same God yesterday, today and forever?  Isn't He the same God the same Spirit then and today?  Why then did salvation of the Bible and from years ago look so contrary to what we call salvation today?  Do you actually see people being born again now?  I believe we do see this, but we also see a lot of false conversions.

Does being a disciple of Jesus Christ have a cost now like it did before?  Do we count the cost?  Do we please God or men?  Do we know what it is to be filled with the Holy Ghost or do we know what it is to be filled with a feeling?  The Holy Spirit is a Person, being filled with Hiim is actually having Christ indwelling a person.  Do we hate our life?  Do we want to serve Him and glorify Him or ourselves?  Do we have a burden for the lost?  Do we weep over the lost?  

Be honest before the Lord God, seek Him in truth.

2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?" 

1 John 1:4-10 "And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full. This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth:  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.  If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us." 

Psalm 26:2 "Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart." 

Modesty

"In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; but (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works."-1 Timothy 2:9-10

"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also many without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.  Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."-1 Peter 3:1-4

"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD they God."-Deuteronomy 22:5

We are called to modesty, we are called to a standard as daughters of God.  Jesus has clearly wiped out the law for those who believe because of His grace.  He has come not to take away the law but to fulfill the law.  But this does not mean that we just ignore when God says something is an abomination.  We don't live by the law in the Old Testament, BUT looking at the law shows us more of God's heart, because the law is perfect.  God shows us those things that He hates and those things that He loves by giving us example and command in the Old Testament.  And in this He showed his heart to us.  This does not mean that we just "by grace" have no standard and do whatever we want to.  Our standard is love.  All the commands can be summed up in loving the Lord our God with all that we have and loving our neighbor.  This is our standard.  Our standard is the Word of God.  Without the Spirit though it will just be a legalistic rule or regulation that you would conform outward man to which is void.  There is no inward transformation in this.  Unless it is the Spirit in you making all things new, bringing you out of the world to stop conforming to the world but transforming you inside out by His Word it is of no value.  

Are we doing the world a favor by proclaiming Christ and dressing inappropriately?  Are we "being all things to all men" by dressing in a way to provoke jealously as well as stumble men.  I don't think so!  I think this is an excuse to be just like the world and not be held accountable in our conduct.  Is it helping anyone by accentuating different body parts with our clothing, by wearing tight things?  Or is it conforming to the world?  Now I am not saying that you need to wear prairie dresses and bonnets, though some do prefer this, which is fine.  But I am saying that there is a way in which I think Christ would be pleased and a way in which I think He is grieved when it comes to the way we dress.  What is your motive when you get dressed in the morning, believer?  Is it to draw attention to certain parts of your body, is it to draw attention to jewelry that you wear that makes you look richer or fancier, is it to make other women jealous, or to be blunt is it to get attention from men, does this make you feel better about yourself?  If it is then I can assure you this is not pleasing to God in the least.  It is grieving to His Spirit.  

There might be the argument of, well, we cannot make modest dress a standard because Timothy became circumcised to be all things to all men so we must do the same.  Yes, Timothy became circumcised when he was already righteous by faith.  BUT circumcision is something that GOD commanded in the Old Testament, this was good.  No, you do not have to be circumcised to be saved, of course not.  But it was something holy that God commanded in the past.  Circumcision is not a sin nor is it conforming to the world.  By compromising in what you wear, to compromise in modesty for the same argument to be all things to all men is wrong.  It is sin.  Timothy getting circumcised would be more equally compared to today as believers going to tell the Gospel to a people who are very overly modestly dressed, to where their whole body is covered head to toe, and in doing you wear the same kind of clothing covering you head to toe as well.  In their culture this is modesty.  So you would not go in shorts and a tank top to share the gospel with people who are used to a very high degree of modest dress, because you would offend them before you had the chance to say a word.  This is more comparable to being all things to all men I think.     

Out of conviction of the Spirit, love for my brothers and the lost, and directly out of the Scripture God has been showing me a lot about this.  About modesty.  I had come to a realization of my wickedness when it comes to dress and many other things for that matter.  I have allowed myself to be leavened, my conscience to be numbed rather than to examine these things and allow God to speak and convict.  Until now.  When it comes to this specific thing, God has shown me my sinfulness and evil heart, and I have repented with joy and am now pressing forward to be more pleasing to God in what I wear.  I have decided to follow Jesus in what I clothe myself with.  It wasn't a grudgingly unpleasant standard that He is making me live up to.  Quite the contrary.  It isn't a rule or regulation He is putting on me.  Instead I am excited that He showed me this truth and the way in which to walk.  That He is cleansing me inside and out.  I am filled with joy and more than pleased to walk in what He has shown me.  This brings me great joy.  He is faithful.  Seek Him.          

Examine Yourself

Romans 5:6 "For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly."

 Romans 5:8 "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 6:4 "Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."

 Titus 3:5 "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;"

1 Peter 1:18-20 "Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you,"

Colossians 3:1 "If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God."

Psalm 45:11 "So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him."

We can do NOTHING to receive His love.  We can never earn His favor.  Jesus Christ is perfect, the perfect sacrifice, the perfect God, the perfect Savior and Lord and King.  He is Lord and King weather or not He is Savior to you.  He has been since before the foundation of this world, He has always been with the Father, God.  You can never do enough good, since all of your good works are as filthy rags before Him.  Our hearts are wicked before Him, no good dwells in us, none.  Do you see your heart the way He sees it?  If you don't see yourself as He does (check the Scripture on what He says about us, about our heart wicked and deceitful, about our good works as filthy rags, how Jesus rebuked Pharisees who saw themselves as religious and good and righteous, when in reality Jesus says if your righteousness does not exceed theirs you will not see the kingdom of God) you have not seen God.  Ask Him to show you your heart.  

NO amount of knowledge is going to help you know Him more.  No amount of studying accomplishes anything without being born again.  You study the Scriptures because you think that in them you have salvation; this is empty and vain.  The real question is, have you been washed in the blood of Christ?  Has He changed you?  Has He come in to turn your life upside down.  If He comes in to dwell with you by the Holy Spirit your life cannot remain the same.  You cannot say a pray and presume life as you did before Him.  This is impossible.  This would mean you did not meet Him and you do not know Him.  When Christ comes, He gives a joy and peace unsurpassing.  He gives compassion, mercy, broken-heartedness for things you were hard hearted against before.  He allows you to see yourself as He sees, as a wicked evil sinner, in which He came to save.  He is not a religion.  He is not a standard to live up to.  He does not want good people, moral people.  He wants the sick, the blind, the lame, the sinners so He is redeem, so He can heal and set free, give sight and forgive and revive.  He is a Person, to know, to gnanosko, to experience.  The Spirit of God must quicken His Word to you, the Father must call you, all it takes is a word and He can save you, He saves by faith because of His grace.  But if it is knowledge and religion this is not faith, the Spirit of God has not convicted you of sin and righteousness and judgment, the Spirit has not given you a new heart, you are not born again.  Salvation belongs to the Lord, He saves.  This is not a decision of man, but a calling of God.  Seek God, the Living God, the True God.  Don't listen to what anyone says about Him, pastors, teachers, family, friends, check the spirits, examine, seek God yourself and the Bible for every form of belief that is birthed in you.        

Do you see Him, truly SEE Him with eyes of faith?  Is He precious to you?  Do you serve the true Jesus Christ of the bible?  Do you serve Jesus Christ or do you serve the world?  Do you love Jesus Christ the Son of God or do you love the things of this world?  Do you joy in Jesus or do you joy in traditions of men and celebrations of this world?  There are many anti-christs, many false prophets who have come into this world, preaching a false jesus, not Jesus, not god at all, seek God to see if you are in the faith.  This is not to be taken lightly.  Satan wants to take everyone he can to hell with him, he will not fail to stoop so low as to put on a disguise to appear as light and truth when really it is a lie.  He is the deceiver, out to kill, steal and destroy.  Do not be deceived.  Seek the true God, Creator of everything, Greater than all other powers.  He desires that all should come to know Him and none shall perish.  Seek Him in truth. 

Matthew 7:13-15 "Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves."

Psalm 73:25 "Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee."   

Psalm 26: 2 "Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart."

2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?"

We Are In Texas

We had a winter blizzard when we first began to leave New Mexico for our trip to Texas.  But as soon as we started to drive it cleared quite quickly.  Then about a half an hour later it started snowing again, and hard.  After about two hours of driving in the snow, I won't say how bad it was because mom's and best friends read this :P, haha, but anyways after two hours we could see where the storm clouds began to meet sunny skies.  We beat the storm and sped right out of it.  Then we had clear sunny skies, dry roads.  We stopped a little while after to get some food, but couldn't stop too long because the storm was coming our way still.  The winds were so hard coming at us that we thought the car was going to blow over.  We opened McDonalds door and it slammed so hard shut behind us due to the winds that we literally thought that it would blow off the hinges, and everyone in the entire place looked up at us.  Haha.  It wasn't us!  Finally we got back on the road for some killer tumbleweeds and flat land.  It is impossible to dodge these tumbleweeds, they seriously look like they are thrown right at your car.  So we took a lot of hits, which isn't a big deal, they are pretty harmless unless they get up under your car.  The winds were still extreme pretty much more than half the way, with just flat farm lands surrounding us.  Just a pretty straight, flat ride for the most part.  We stopped at a hotel about an hour from our new apartment, exhausted.  It was a Holiday Inn express but it was really nice, he upgraded us to a sweet for free he said because they had a lot of open rooms!  Sweet!  At first we couldn't get our keys to work to the hotel room, so we went back down to the front desk clerk three times haha.  Finally he just asked if he could come up to help us and he got it right open, we felt like idiots!  Oh well, we were in a nice warm room with a shower and huge bed, we didn't care.  Mom offered to pay for a hotel so that we weren't driving over night or anything.  In the morning we headed out pretty early to get to the apartment and signed on our first apartment together!! Pretty exciting, we are finally grown up, it's official!  (I hope so considering we have a baby on the way!)  Oh, Mason enjoyed the car ride, he kicked the entire way, every minute and more at some points, I think because it was the first time in his little womb-life that I was sitting still for more than a few minutes at a time, he didn't know what to do with himself, so he kicked and punched and covered the entirety of my tummy and ribs with moves.  I think he may have been doing karate in there, not sure.      

So we made it to Texas!  Woohoo!!!  After much prayer!  Thank You Lord for getting us here safely!!!  Let me list some things that I love here... I love driving here!!!  The roads are actually organized and people aren't trying to hit you every time you leave your apartment, it's wonderful!  lol (You may understand this excitement if you have driven in New Mexico but maybe not if you have lived there your whole life. Just the consensus I found there.)  Lets see, our apartment is so beautiful!!  It is one bedroom, BUT it is a lot bigger than our last one!  Also it has washer and dryer, we actually have a dining room (we didn't have one before).  Our bedroom is a lot bigger, one walk in closet (mine hehe) and then another smaller one (Jordan's) yes I am spoiled by my husband.  Our kitchen is a lot bigger, much more cupboard space, more storage in the whole aparment, and it has a fireplace :).  And our rent is 120 dollars cheaper here with not three different places to call but only electric since the water and the rest is done by our apartment.  We have been so blessed by the Lord, not expecting all of these blessings He comes up with.   

The landscape is actually much like what I am used to in Michigan.  There are lots of trees, grass, hills(not everywhere in Texas is like this, but where we are is) and the homes are exactly like in Michigan with brick and etc.  It is nice, very nice.  It is a little cool here since we are here during their "cold" months, but not compared to where I have been.  

Enough about all of that.  Our new friends are amazing(Jordan's friends that I am just meeting).  The first day we got here some of the girls went grocery shopping and brought us more than fifteen bags of groceries, stocking up the fridge, freezer and cupboards :).  I have never had anyone do this for me in my life, I was so shocked and excited!  What a blessing.  One of the brothers helped us out by picking up our mattress with his truck so we didn't have to sleep on the floor.  That night we went over to Ryan and Joy's house to sing hymns and fellowship, I am really just getting to know everyone.  The more I get to know them the more I love all of them.  They are amazing, full of the love of God and joy.  It is hard to put all of it into words I am just overwhelmed by how much of a blessing it is to be here.  And a peace that I know we are in the perfect will of God by being here, how wonderful.  I am very hopeful for how much we will learn here, how much we will grow and get to know the Lord more intimately as well as bring our baby up doing the same, in the Lord's protection.  

Moving Day

Just spent our last night in New Mexico, Lord willing. My bf came over to be there for me while Jordan and I were going to pack up the Buick with everything we own, but somehow she ended up doing most of the work. LOL. The ant went to work, while the pregnant butterfly laid on the bed and the bumblebee wandered around in between trips to the car trying to plan everything out. (You might not understand this unless you have taken a bug personality quiz lol). So our car is JAM PACKED. Thank God for Jess, she has this talent of making big things fit in tiny corners and crevices. My tummy was hurting and exhaustion took over me while packing (not lifting though, don't worry), so I was so so glad that Jess was there! I had no idea she was even going to help with the packing at all, I just wanted her there for moral support LOL but we see how that changed. We did have to throw away a ton of stuff, (and give away) including all of our food and our furniture.
To sell some things we stuck them outside our door and put a sign on them "Moving, can't bring, $10 leave under the rug. Thanks". Which actually worked for a few of our things we couldn't bring. We just left it outside our door and went on with our day and when we got back there was money under the rug, how convenient. I think I was mostly shocked because people were actually honest, which they could have just taken the stuff and gone but they actually left the money. Anyways, that is probably the worst way to sell your stuff, but we did whatever we could think of, to throw away less.
Last night after we accomplished an empty apartment and the Buick as full as humanly possible, I went to Jess's to spend as much time with her as possible before leaving, while Jordan went to mom's house. I will miss my friend so dearly, but I know He is faithful who is calling us. When I had lost it (in tears) when parting in times past, somehow the Lord always brought us back together again, and Lord willing He will do the same another time. And another, lol. We stayed here at mom's last night in the spare bedroom which she kindly moved her stuff around to give us the pull out bed in there which was a lot nicer than sleeping on the floor or the couches. That was a blessing, especially since we will be driving for twelve hours in a not so comfy car, it was nice to get a good sleep at least.
So my midwife instructed me to stop every two hours and to drink lots of water (not sure if the drinking lots of water is for the swelling as much as it is to make sure we stop: you have to stop a lot if you drink two gallons of water :)). But either way, she said if we sit for more than two hours I have a risk of getting a blood clot, WE WILL BE STOPPING ...LOTS!! And taking turns driving, hoping I can drive a lot of the way because if not I will have car sickness the entire time, ew.
I woke up with many concerns: "we have to buy all of the food and pantry stuff over again, how will we unpack this massive amount of stuff from our car, we still have to go over and get the mattress to bring to our friends house, have to make sure we get the title for the car from mom, gotta call this place, gotta call that place, how will we have the money for all the stuff we will need to buy when we get there, etc, etc, etc." So many earthly worries. I want to think of heavenly things, not earthly things. Doesn't our heavenly Father promise to provide, does He not say to not worry for your life, what you will eat or what you will drink or what you will wear? Yes He does tell me this. Doesn't He tell us not to fear, not to be dismayed? Yes, many many times. Why do I still worry and fret then? I had to get out of bed before the thoughts continued, oh how I wish that the Lord would meet me in those thoughts and stop my mind, bring it to peace like He can do. Sometimes He does, but not always. So I got up and read His Word, wanting to get my mind on things above not things here. What would they profit me? Nothing.
Lord I just lift it all up to You, You are asking us to go, so we are obeying You, please provide miraculously. How we need Your presence, if You don't go with us we have nothing. Please go before us.

After the Traditions of Men

I have been seeking God on some clarity of things, and been studying E-Sword, His Word and commentaries.  I don't want answers from men, I want answers from God.  No commentary from me yet, still seeking.

 Colossians 2:8 Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.

"...all doctrines are foreign to Christ that make the worship of God, which we know to be spiritual, according to Christ’s rule, to consist in the elements of the world, and also such as fetter the minds of men by such trifles and frivolities, while Christ calls us directly to himself." -Calvin Commentary

 Colossians 2:14 Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross; 
Col 2:15 And having spoiled principalities and powers, he made a shew of them openly, triumphing over them in it. 
Col 2:16 Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days: 

"He says, therefore, that it is not in the power of men to make us subject to the observance of rites which Christ has by his death abolished, and exempts us from their yoke, that we may not allow ourselves to be fettered by the laws which they have imposed."-Calvin

 "The apostle speaks here in reference to some particulars of the hand-writing of ordinances, which had been taken away, viz., the distinction of meats and drinks, what was clean and what unclean, according to the law; and the necessity of observing certain holydays or festivals, such as the new moons and particular sabbaths, or those which should be observed with more than ordinary solemnity; all these had been taken out of the way and nailed to the cross, and were no longer of moral obligation."-Clarke Commentary 

Last Day At Abq Hair Studio

Today was a weird one...a sad one.  First, I worked on Christmas Eve, everyone in pjs, which was a nice change from the norm (black).  Second, it was my last day...which I have had my "last day" before at Abq haha, but this will be for good I think this time.  I always come back to Albuquerque but probably not to work again now being a stay at home mama.  But Mason does have his grandparents here so we will be coming back hopefully as much as possible and when we do I will visit the salon again.  I will miss everyone at the salon so much!  Yet, I am excited for the future, since God is leading us away I know it will be filled with HIS blessing.  I had to say my goodbyes today to a lot of people, yet going to do dinner with a few before I leave on the 30th, so it wasn't the final goodbye to all, yet.  And I hope to stop into the salon at least one more time before we leave.  

Paigey and Katie surprised me with a card that everyone signed.  Katie actually had some heartfelt words for me, almost made me tear up reading it, thus the reason I waited til the end of the day to read it (pregnancy makes you emotional already lol).  They also got me a pink shiney piggy bank that says "baby fund" on it.  Some questioned it being pink since the baby is a boy...but Paigey said of course it isn't for the baby, it's for Nickie and obviously it's pink then. They also got me cupcakes which I left at the salon, afraid of being alone with 20 cupcakes lol.  I got pink flowers as well from Paigey and Katie.  Sam got fudge and a card for us all, which I will eat the whole thing probably.  Suzie got me a card and a Christmas ornament as well.  All of that was a blessing.  

It doesn't feel like it was my last day at all.  I remember when Jennah left everyone was super sad and she said it didn't feel like her last day at all, so she remained normal.  Now I understand the feeling.  Things have to sink in for a bit for it to really dawn on me.  Usually that is how it works with me.  I am so so glad that I came back to work there, I made some close friends while I came back, it was a great experience.  Some unlikely friendships formed as well, haha.  I hope to stay in touch with everyone.  If anyone is in ABQ I refer you to ABQ Hair Studio. :)  That is all.